


that absolutely irreverent harry potter au

by AcrosstheTallGreenRiver, Nyodrite



Series: Ideas [7]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Internet, Muggle Technology, Muggle-born, Muggle-born Culture, Not Serious, Self-Indulgent, Short, Timeline What Timeline, When in doubt - Google it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-10-10
Packaged: 2019-05-17 09:14:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,960
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14829497
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AcrosstheTallGreenRiver/pseuds/AcrosstheTallGreenRiver, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nyodrite/pseuds/Nyodrite
Summary: WARNING: If you are in anyway hoping for a serious story with a well developed, character-driven plot then you probably should best be looking elsewhere.This here?This is self-indulgent chaos written for my own amusement and anyone who shares my sense of humor.





	1. Chapter 1

Altair Black did what any kid with internet access did when faced with something he didn’t know, he Googled it. 

There was, of course, great dangers with searching something online that he knew nothing about.  _ This _ time the consequences came in the form of pictures featurings hogs - most of them the rears - or disgusting warts, various links to pages to care for either of those, the wiki link to warthogs and then link that he clicked on: [www.awaitwhatowl.uk/hogwarts/letter](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)

**_Welcome to the Wizarding World, where common sense is less common then usual. It is, in fact, an endangered species._ ** were the very first words on the page, written at the top in white over the stunning picture - a train with  _ Hogwarts Express _ on it - that served as the header.

* * *

 this is going to be absolutely irreverent bs featuring a muggleborn who's last name is Black - and actually looks enough _like_ a typical Black that everyone freaks the hell out about where this one came from, particularly when sorted into Slytherin - and whose Ambition(TM) is to get WiFi working at Hogwarts to keep from missing favorite shows

it takes place in the later 2000s  (Altair's first year being in 2007), and yes the main character is in the same year as Harry and Co. which means  _what is this canon timeline you speak of?_

there's also a website, domain shown above in the small ficbit, created by a small group of salty muggle-borns who alternate between  _magic is amazing!!!_ and _Why the bloody hell is there so much pumpkin juice!?_

~~(also somewhere in the background there are loads of canon characters squinting and wondering who the hell Sirius knocked up before being sent to Azkaban)~~

The title for this prospective fic, you may ask;  ** _Canon? I think not!_**


	2. a chat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nyo: But also, if somehow no one manages to figure it out until he finally is just really? X years and no one realized? an sits some people down and tells them the truth
> 
> River: Even better only one person figured it out and its Harry Potter the most oblivious of them all

**River:** I'm thinking of all the theories everyone is making up and spreading  them as the truth. Like someone swears that Sirius Black knocked up a Dementor and they snuck the kid out of Azkaban, another argues that Altair actually grew up in the prison and was taught all manner of Dark Arts by his parents and the other Death Eaters. Someone else tells you that Altair is actually a child Walburga managed to get pregnate with, despite her being very much dead when Altair was conceived. A less popular rumor is that he's Regulas Black's son

**Nyo:**

_**Sirius, upon finding out about Altair:** regulus did WHAT?_

_**Regulus, from the afterlife:** really sirius!? you can't even use a simple contraceptive potion?_

**River:** so many witch's come forward claiming to be the mother/having raised Altair in secret

**Nyo:**

_**Altair, looking at his 'father' or 'uncle':** so. you have missed over a decade of birthday and christmas gifts. i have amassed a wish list if you want to see it. _

**River:** Altair milking this for all its worth, managing to get access to the Black Library, and people being too intimidated to even think of bullying him.

**River:** wait. 

**River:** Narcissa claiming him as her nephew 

**River:** and Draco gaining a new cousin who confuses the shite out of him what was WiFi and why did Altair want it so badly?

**Nyo:** Altair just kinda _rolls_ with everything that happens with being mistaken as part of some magic family he never heard of

**Nyo:** he spends his breaks on google researching everything 

**Nyo:** and at school reading everything 

**Nyo:** and secretly gets pureblood supremacists to advocate his campaign to get muggle things into Hogwarts 

**Nyo:** _i played a dressup game for him and apparently he is a zelda and pokemon nerd too?_

**River:** Altair accidentally getting everyone to get along, Hermione ends up befriending Astoria and or Daphne

**River:** _this just got so much better_

**River:** imagine him somehow getting consoles working at hogwarts and teaching the pureblood kids how to play and they are hooked 

**River:** especially since there doesn't really seem to be that many games for kids to play, its mostly what? Exploding snap and quidditch? 

**River:** _Altair going on a rant of how dangerous quidditch is and demanding what their safety regulations are_

**Nyo:** Okay but. Like. After _everything_ it comes out that he is not, in fact, _that_ Black but actually a muggleborn

**River:** would they actually end up caring? How far along would he be integrating the wizarding and muggle worlds together?

**River:** ~~Do you want angst or not?~~

**Nyo:** gimme both

**River:** okay then, so maybe not everyone ends up caring that he's not actually a Black. He's made their lives more entertaining and efficient, so why should they care? 

But then the general public isn't so nice, those really die-hard purebloods begin arguing that everything Altair managed to accomplish was based on lies, they start trying to make things go back to the way things were. 

Articles begin coming out that slander Altair, some of his supporters are hurt and in turn become angry. Because they thought they knew him and he was lying this whole time, what else had he been lying about? 

Did their world really become better with Altair's 'adjustments'? 

**Nyo:** oooh

**Nyo:** _:chin hands:_ go on

**River:** What hurts Altair the most are those closest to him who turn their back on him, who refuse to listen to his explanation and who dismiss his apologies. 

Some eventually come around, forgiving if not forgetting his mistakes. But some  refuse to ever speak to him again, those he had come to see as his family, who had come to see him so in turn. Who found out their relationships are based on lies, they had offered  their homes and generosity to a complete stranger who took advantage of his last name and looks to worm his way into their hearts. 

And it is that that they cannot forgive him for, getting over their carefully constructed walls (walls they had made after society had deemed that they were the evil ones, walls they had made to keep them from getting hurt ever again).

Altair managed to achieve his ambition, he had made a life getting to it - but in the end his ambition lead to his ruin, Because if he hadn't brought in muggle inventions into the wizarding world they never would have found out he was not actually from the House Black

After all, wizards had never heard of DNA testing before Altair brought the medical field to their attention

~~Is that enough angst or should I make him hurt more?~~

**Nyo:** _you brought angst to a silly au_

**Nyo:** I am in awe, proud and mildly horrified

**Nyo:** So what was the "or not" bit? 

**River:** Me keeping these horrible ideas to myself and giving more silly ideas 

**Nyo:** Well. Silly idea for it coming out he is not actually a Black

**River:** When it comes out it's not even a surprise, at least for those who got to know Altair personally. 

"Was I supposed to think you were actually a Black?" 

"Not with clothes you are" 

"Dear I check the Family tapestry every few years, I would have noticed if dear cousin SIrius had a small..accident" 

Altair thinking he had been so sneaky keeping it hidden all these years, but he's even more oblivious Harry Potter.  

Harry who had figured it out and decided to go with it, he found it hilarious and every once and a while asking Sirius who the mother was, very judgmentally.  "Eventually I'll tell Sirius, but cheers for keeping all the attention off of me mate." 

Literally everyone but Sirius having figuring out Altair hasn't been a Black since his 2nd year.

Basically there's like a huge dramatic reveal and only Sirius yelling **_What_** at the top of his lungs in an otherwise unsurprised room

The one who revealed it was expecting something more dramatic and a lot more hurt feeling and betrayal and getting nothing but that

....and now i'm thinking its Rita Skeeter who does the reveal 

**Nyo:** pfft. that’s kinda awsome

~~both of them are actually~~

**River:** eh, up to you ~~you can always do alternate universes with different reveals~~

**Nyo:** But also, if somehow no one manages to figure it out until he finally is just _really? X years and no one realized?_ an sits some people down and tells them the truth

**River:** Even better only one person figured it out and its Harry Potter _the most oblivious of them all  
_

**Nyo:** YES. Okay but Harry being the only one who knows the truth despite Altair trying to, multiple times, explain that no he is not one of those Blacks

_("I understand dear, no one wants to admit to being related to that family these days. It'll be our secret, yeah?")_

**River:** Everyone else convinced he's saying this because of the negative reactions ones usually get wh-

**Nyo:** Until he gives up and rolls with it

**River: -** en you meet a black

yes. he ends up inheriting the Black title(?)

Would he be accepted? 

**Nyo:** But him and Harry meeting up sometimes just 

_"Still famous for turning two, huh?"_

_**"Still using a false name, yeah?"** _

**Nyo:** If it was offered? He'd want to know the reasoning, how much work it'd be and the uses but probably say yes 

**River:** ooh how close is Altair to the canon characters? or will he all his friends be original?

~~Also i'm imagining Altair's reaction to meeting Lockhart for some reason~~

**Nyo:** _bold of you to assume I planned that far ahead_

**River:** I was assuming these were one-shots that you would post whenever the mood struck 

**Nyo:** I just picture him and Harry meeting up now and then and getting along? Like. No expectations on either side. Just someone to talk to. About the crazy Wizarding World and the sudden attention they get

**River:** they start a club

question what do altair's parents think of all this?

**Nyo:** I was thinking he has a single mom? Or at least his dad travels a lot for work (which helps convinces people about his "heritage")

And their bemused about it but glad their son is happy?

**River:** Awww that's cute

I was going to suggest him being raised by his grandparents with his parents constantly traveling or smth

~~I was thinking kind of like a happier version of Neville's home situation, so he could kind of mirror the other prophecy child~~

**Nyo:** Wat if he is also a late July kid. To add to it

**River:** Better yet they share the same birthday. and sirius just so happened to escape 3 times from voldemort too 

**Nyo:** _ha!_

Best thing

But Sirius quietly freaking out about that _I have a kid!? AND MISSED THEIR BIRTH!?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here have a tumblr
> 
> _[@whatisthiscanonyouspeakof](https://whatisthiscanonyouspeakof.tumblr.com) _


	3. a bit about the website

**_Magepunk88_**  - a mod for [https://awaitwhatowl.uk](https://t.umblr.com/redirect?z=https%3A%2F%2Fawaitwhatowl.uk&t=MmZmMTliOTA5YjBkNzcxYzQ3YTkzZDc1N2FhNzkxOGEwZGNmYzc0ZSxVSmNMdHZjVw%3D%3D&b=t%3AJ-_73QtMQDW4Vx_P-o6ibQ&p=https%3A%2F%2Fwhatisthiscanonyouspeakof.tumblr.com%2Fpost%2F178923827666%2Fa-bit-about-the-website&m=1) they are the one who wrote the article that works as the introduction page for the website for many muggleborns and is the first thing Altair saw of the site

 

 

Founders

**_Slytherun_** \- a Slytherin half-blood who was in Regulus’ year, she’s the one who decides what articles are put on the sight and acts as an editor

**_Hufflestuff_** \- a muggleborn Hufflepuff in the Marauder’s year, he’s the one who designed the layout for the sight and came up with the url - he also is the provides most of the images for the site

**_Gryffin-door!_**  - a muggleborn Gryffindor in the Marauder’s year, he’s the one who came up with the idea and is generally the one who is responsible for most of the shade thrown at canon characters of the Marauder’s Era 

**_RavenSaw_**  - a half-blood Ravenclaw of Regulus’ year, she’s the one who did the coding for the original sight and who is in charge of the team who currently does it - every new aspect of the site goes through her first


End file.
